All of which naturally leaves us with the obvious question: what the hell is this movie about? !
There are many things we don’t know. For a while the only plot tease available online read, simply, “Barbie lives in Barbie Land and then a story happens.” (??? How dare you ???)
Here’s what we know.
First, Barbie is directed by Greta Gerwig. Yes, the independent prodigy became Oscar-nominated director Greta THEE Gerwig. With Gerwig having written and directed lady bird (2017) and Little woman (2019), both of which turned coming-of-age stories about women on their head and featured Oscar-nominated performances, it’s safe to say that whatever she envisions keeps Mattel executives from sleep at night.
Robbie herself knows how crazy it is. She said British vogue last year, “People usually hear ‘Barbie’ and think, ‘I know what this movie is going to be,’ and then they hear that Greta Gerwig is writing it and directing it, and they’re like, ‘Oh, well , maybe I do not know.'”
(She’s talking about me. I’m people.)
Second, Gerwig wrote the screenplay with partner Noah Baumbach, another indie darling, who is best known for his Oscar-nominated movies. The squid and the whale (2005) and Marriage story (2019). Eccentric and melancholic divorce story CONFIRMED!
Third, the the cast is absolutely stacked – like, to a comedic degree. Here are some of the confirmed cast members: Will Ferrell, Simu Liu, Kate McKinnon, Issa Rae, America Ferrera, Michael Cera, Rhea Perlman, soap opera star (and Chris Evans’ brother) Scott Evans, Hari Nef, The crown star and Promising young woman director Emerald Fennell, soon Doctor Who star Ncuti Gatwa, and Gatwa’s Sex education co-stars Emma Mackey and Connor Swindells. We also have good reason to suspect Bridgerton and Derry Girls star Nicola Coughlan will appearas good as Dua Lipa (?!) and Gerwig’s former collaborator Saoirse Ronan.
Fourth, the script is meant to be unbelievable. Like, drop your other projects and get on board, it’s amazing. Marvel star Liu said United Kingdom in May that he self-registered an audition for the film after one of his agents raved about the project. “He literally said that verbatim,” Liu said. “He was like, ‘If I could bet my career on any scenario, this is the Barbie script. I really think you should.
Fifth, Aqua’s signature 1997 song “Barbie Girl” will NOT be on the soundtrack. This appalling the development is apparently due to decades of bad blood between the band and Mattel, which initially sued for copyright infringement. We can only assume Gerwig plans to feature Belle and Sebastian or Death Cab for Cutie instead.
So with all of those things in mind – and after another hour of staring at that picture of Gosling – here’s the best I could find for various Barbie plots:
Eccentric and free-spirited Barbie (Margot Robbie) lives in Sacramento with BFF Ken (Ryan Gosling), a gay man who bleached his hair in a meltdown at the age of 27. In order to fulfill their dream of moving to New York and attending NYU, they go on a series of robberies in which they dress up in sexy Western outfits.
Barbie (Margot Robbie) and Ken (Ryan Gosling) live in Barbie Land. When they see a powerful mobster (America Ferrera) commit murder, they are forced to go undercover at a cabaret show in Reno, Nevada, where they wear sexy Western outfits.
Barbie (Margot Robbie) and Ken (Ryan Gosling) are futuristic human-like robots who are unaware they are androids and live in a theme park called Barbie Land. Gradually they go haywire and start killing guests, while wearing sexy western outfits.
Ken (Ryan Gosling) is married to Barbie (Margot Robbie) but discovers a portal through which he can inhabit the spirit of Emerald Fennell (Promising young woman, The crown) as she attempts to write an adapted screenplay based on toy Barbies.
Margot Robbie stars as Barbie – not Barbie the toy, but Barbie the character the toy on which the toy story films was based. The film features a brief gay kiss between Scott Evans and Ncuti Gatwa, who play gay astronauts married for some reason, which conservative commentator Ben Shapiro would later declare “a disgusting attempt to distract the kids from the fact that we never had a gay kiss scene”. with Chris Evans.
Barbie (Margot Robbie) is a former teen star who grows up and marries Ken (Ryan Gosling), a theater manager. They have an eccentric son (Michael Cera) who loves Halloween. When their marriage falls apart, the divorce turns into a drawn-out, messy legal affair involving expensive lawyers (Simu Liu and Issa Rae, in an Oscar-winning performance). Barbie eventually wins ownership of the Dreamhouse (voiced by Will Ferrell). Private, Ken sings Sondheim’s song “Losing My Mind” from Follies.
Barbie (Margot Robbie) moves with her spiral mother (Kate McKinnon) to a cattle ranch in Montana, where she is taken under the wing of Ken (Ryan Gosling), a moody, code-queer cowboy. The film, shot in New Zealand, features a group of cowboys who look like Chippendale dancers running around in leggings and shirtless. says Sam Elliott.
Margot Robbie plays Barbie, a social media and reality TV superstar married to Ken-ye (Ryan Gosling). After turning to far-right commentary, Barbie meets Aussie surfer Blaine (Pete Davidson in an as yet unannounced role).
When Barbie (Margot Robbie) and Ken (Ryan Gosling) are invited to their 10-year reunion of Barbie Land High School, they realize their frivolous, fashion-focused lives have been for naught. During a 90-minute montage sequence, they try their hand at a series of careers (doctor, ballerina, princess, sexy cowboy, and more) in order to land jobs that will truly impress their former classmates.
Ken (Ryan Gosling) leaves Barbie (Margot Robbie) for me (David Mack). I also take his convertible.
Hollywood couple Barbie (Margot Robbie) and Ken (Ryan Gosling) are pushed to their creative limits when they have to ditch their mainstream film backgrounds in order to write and direct a tongue-in-cheek indie script that satirizes boundaries of intellectual property as a source of inspiration .
Barbie hits theaters on July 21, 2023 – the same day as Christopher Nolan’s WWII drama Oppenheimer, who will inevitably be crushed by this sequin pink gay fever dream. We are going to watch.
Additional chaotic brainstorming by Tasneem Nashrulla.